Tag: Relationships

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William Struthers’ Wired for Intimacy: How pornography hijacks the male brain is one of those books that can only be reviewed in comparison.  In this case to Allan Meyer’s From Good Man to Valiant Man. Both books deal with the topic of sexual integrity in men.  Both books take a holistic approach – dealing with pornography and sexual addiction as a combined spiritual, psychological, and neurological issue.  This approach, in both books, is a very helpful one as it allows men to get a handle on the real value and tangible outcome of what it means to discipline oneself and take every thought captive.

Struthers is better than Meyers’ in a number of areas.  As a professor of psychology and a lecturer in behavioural neuroscience he is certainly more qualified when it comes to unpacking how negative neurological pathways are built up and then reinforced by pornographic habits.

“This is how a pornography addiction and sexual compulsion is built form scratch.  It involves the visual system.. the motor system… the sensory system… and neurological effects of orgasm (sexual euphoria from opiates, addictive dopamine in the nucleus accumbens and reduced fear in the amygdale).  They have now begun to to store this pattern as a reinforced neurological habit.” (Page 99)

His applied theology is also better.  His chapters on masculinity (“Made male in God’s image” and “Masculinity”) are a more helpful exploration than Meyer’s eisegetic four-faces ox-lion-eagle-man imagery.

But when it comes down to the “so what do I do with it?” question – this is where Struthers is weak and where Meyers’ pastoral and discipling heart shows its strength.  For instance Struthers’ dealing with masturbation begins with the pastoral equivalent of “don’t do it or you’ll go blind”

“Men who compulsively masturbate (more than 2-3 times a week) can suffer form depression, memory problems, lack of focus, concentration problems, fatigue, back pain, decreased erections, premature ejaculation, and pelvic or testicular pain” (Page 169) [I wonder if the same is said of men who have sex more than 2-3 times per week?]

And while he does move beyond this it is mostly description rather than prescription of help.  This is typical throughout the book.

So in the end, go to Struthers for a better understanding, go to Meyers for some thoughts as to how to help someone (or yourself).  Would love to see the book that merges the strengths of both.

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Barbara Roberts’ book is subtitled “Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery & Desertion.”  It is a thorough consideration of how issues surrounding divorce and remarriage are handled by Scripture.  While there is a definite pastoral aspect to this book (Roberts herself has been through an abusive marriage) it’s main approach is exegetical. After setting the scene, and summarising her conclusions and where she is coming from, Roberts makes a decent consideration of relevant Pauline (1 Corinthians 7 in particular) and Old Testament passages as well as unpacking the teaching of Jesus.

The questions are clear: What are the Biblical grounds for divorce?  And, if divorce is allowed, is remarriage also allowed?  She helpfully puts forward the key concepts at the beginning of the book:

  • The Bible distinguishes between “treacherous divorce” and “disciplinary divorce”.
  • Disciplinary divorce is permitted by the Bible.  This applies in cases of abuse, adultery or desertion, where a seriously mistreated spouse divorces a seriously offending spouse.
  • Treacherous divorce is condemned by the Bible.  It occurs when a spouse obtains divorce for reasons other than abuse, adultery or desertion.
  • If the offending partner was sexually immoral, the Bible allows the non-offending partner to remarry.
  • If the offending partner was abused, deserted or unjustly dismissed the other, and the offender has been judged to be “as an unbeliever”, the Bible allows the mistreated partner to remarry.

By taking an exegetical approach Roberts is providing a service to victims of abuse who tend, often as a consequence of their abuse, to be “better at understanding the letter of God’s Word than they are at interpreting general principles from scripture.” (Page 37, emphasis mine).  Here there is assistance to those who are vulnerable to being on the receiving end of scripture misapplied cruelly and abusively.

Coming to this book from a pastoral point of view I was encouraged by some of her conclusions.  For instance, in general, the principle that “it is impossible to tell a victim that she ought to leave or stay at any particular juncture – the decision when or whether to leave must be left to each victim… all we can do is lay out the biblical principles that permit separation and help the victim to assess the discernible risk factors, leaving the ultimate choice to her.” (Page 43)  When people come for answers what they often really looking for is empowerment, freedom to choose the right thing.

The main food for thought for me was her consideration of 1 Corinthians 7. In particular, a key plank in her “abuse is grounds for divorce” argument rests on firstly, the equating of the abuser with being an “unbeliever” who has left (or has brought a separation to the marriage – see Page 48) , and secondly, the necessity for church discipline to determiner whether the abusing party is “acting as an unbeliever.”  The exegesis may need some strengthening in parts but I do not think this is an invalid application of a difficult text.  It certainly aligns with her aim of allowing all of Scripture to speak – a harmonizing of Moses, Jesus and Paul (Page 108), if you like.

This part, and the rest of the book, certainly gels with my experience (and myriad mistakes) in engaging with people who are facing marital breakdown.  I think evangelical considerations of marriage often take an overly-sacramental view that inappropriately elevates the covenantal bond to something eternal and unbreakable.  My analogy is that in marriage a new “unit” is formed (the couple in unity) – it is valuable, like a person.  It should not be harmed, but can be harmed, it should not be killed, but can be killed.  Roberts unpacks how the Bible affirms the value of marriage in the strongest possible way, without becoming separated from the reality that marriage covenants are broken.

Roberts’ insistence on church discipline should not be ignored.  Yet, for me, it is the most difficult of her exhortations.  Not because I disagree with her in the principle of it – but overwhelmed by the practice of it.  So often it is incredibly difficult to find out what the truth is behind a marriage breakdown: who is the abuser, who is not? is the marriage sick, or just broken? is what the person saying a true expression of victimhood or manipulative lie?  Roberts would do well to expand on how church leadership may go about exercising the judgement it needs to exercise.

For those trapped in abuse – particular those who are or have experienced religious justifications for that abuse – this book is invaluable.  For those expected to give Biblically-grounded advice, this book is a must-read.  I by-and-large agree with Roberts’ principles but they needs careful application wrapped in a cry to God for wisdom.

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So I read it. For the same reason I read Harry Potter ten years ago – I need to have an opinion on it, and I can’t form that opinion without reading it. I’m talking about Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight of course. It’s an immensely popular, bestselling, movie-spinning mega-book. My comments below will only be about the first book in the series. I’m not planning to read any of the others.

So what did I make of it? Like J. K. Rowling, Stephenie Meyer has been the target of the full blast of Christiosity zeal. Here, apparently, is yet another piece of worldly literature sucking us into dabbling with the occult and surrendering our souls to dark things. I discount that attack. The seduction is not attached to the occult and the darkness is attached more to the reality of the human soul than with dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight. It is not the fact that this book has vampires in it that I’d prefer my daughter to wait a little bit longer before she reads it.

If Harry was Star Wars for Generation Y – the child of destiny meeting his potential – this book is Pretty Woman – the forgotten girl mixing with manly power and holding her own in complete helplessness. Here is feminine weakness repulsed but attracted to dangerous masculinity. Here is feminine attractiveness drawing out both the potential and horror of the masculine conundrum. It is written well – the first person narrative drawing us into the intimacy of internal thoughts and, while avoiding being too explicit, causing us to engage with the bit-lip heart-skipping blood-rushing sensuality of near-fatal attraction. No wonder it’s popular.

For those who don’t know the story is simple – big town nerdy girl moves to small town and encounters mysterious boy. Boy is vampire, caught between his blood-thirst for the girl and his surprising affection for her. Girl finds out he is a vampire yet is drawn to him, desiring both his safety and his danger.

Hear the pulse of the female psyche. The chapter where they spend their first significant time alone together is the crux of it all.  She wants to be close to him, comfort him, be comforted by him. Knowing that he could kill her, almost wanting him to take her “wondering, if it would hurt very much… if it ended badly.” He is like an addict and she is both his addiction and his salvation: “Common sense told me I should be terrified. Instead, I was relieved to finally understand. And I was filled with compassion for his suffering, even now, as he confessed his craving to take my life.”

She both delights in her ability to confound him (she is the only mind he cannot read) and at the same time she swoons, literally, with every kiss. She is his adventure and he takes her on one.  And then the action sequence encapsulates the rocky road of the reality of their relationship – how will it ever be consummated (figuratively speaking)? Should she become like him, take on his identity, become a vampire herself, despite the pain?

It’s fairy tale from start to finish. But where the passion in a different era would have been wrapped up with sex – a useless gambit in this sexually desensitised generation – it is now wrapped up in blood lust. What in one era would have been an interplay between feminine wiles and passivity and the sexual drive and chivalry of the man is now explored through the concept of a vampire’s addiction and honour and a girl’s intellectual strength and physical dependence. How else could you get away with a main character who faints, stumbles and is always being swooped up and protected by the main man?

Where Jane Austen would have the girl battle with losing her identity in marriage, longing for a proposal, here it is about longing for a painful but transformative venomous bite.  I guess girls wanting a knight in shining armour still exist… and buy books.

As with Harry, so with Twilight – the danger of this book is not occult but fantasy. Too many people (many of which are too young) will get lost in it detrimentally. There must be more to life than this.

And there is.

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Unlike recent books on sex that I have read, which are based on pyschology and some mild theology, Pure Sex, by Sydney Anglican stalwarts Tony Payne and Phillip Jensen is a solid historical and doctrinal look at the topic.

The negatives first.  Firstly, it seems a bit dated – concentrating more on newspaper commentary more than the more relevant new media for instance – but we might forgive that as it was written in 1998 when it was still fine to refer to The Internet with breathless capitalisation.  Secondly, it reads like an article in The Briefing.  Again this is unsurprising as the authors are regular TB contributors.  But it means that it reads like a stale academic essay being read by Kel Richards (“you may think dear reader” on page 93, groan) and covers the soft inner heart of application in half a mile of doctrinal concrete.

But these are just stylistic complaints.  The content is basically fine stuff that by and large sums up my own thoughts on sexuality and helped me consider some different ways of articulating it.  The second and third chapters are the best.

The second chapter is entitled “the search for nudity” and unpacks the beauty and bounds of sexuality in the Bible extremely well.  Introducing the concept of nudity-without-shame that is part of God’s good creation we read:

“How do we hope that our lives will be better because of sex?  Is it a case of simply accumulating orgasms, and the one who has had the most when he dies wins? Or is there more to it than that?  What do we really want from sex?
“It could be the answer is nudity.
“Is it possible that what we really want is a relationship not simply of physical nakedness and pleasure, but of deep personal nakedness as well?” (Page 18)

I found one of those gem-phrases of wisdom in this chapter: “Once a sexual relationship has begun, it cannot be ended without grief.” (Page 30)

The third chapter is entitled “A brief history of sex” and unpacks some of the historical framework for the sexual revolution of the 1960s.  I learned a lot here – particularly about the nature of Victorian moralism and the Freudian basis for the strangely axiomatic notion that repression of sexual expression is inherently neurotic.

“As this brief history has tried to demonstrate, the sexual revolution of the last 30 years has been a long time in the making…  It was there [in the Victorian era] that the fuse was lit.  Freud, Mead, Russell and Kinesy all played their part… It was in the mid-60’s, when the conditions were right, that the bomb went off.” (Page 45)

There are other things worthy of mention.  The failure to talk about masturbation (apart from a wave off on Page 98) is unhelpful.  The consideration of singleness in chapter 7 is very helpful.  The appendix on homosexuality is a good overview.  And why shouldn’t they throw in a Two Ways to Live?

The book is short and to the point.  If a person is enquiring, seeking, willing to unpack and engage then this book would be a valuable resource.  Pastorally, this is a tool, not a substitute.  There is very little (beyond the essential turn-to-Jesus gospel) by way of specific application and words of wisdom from other places would be needed. In this way they have not quite totally achieved their aim of having something to say, in practical terms, other than “Don’t” (Page 16).  But it’s good foundational stuff and a worthy read.

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We use some of the Careforce Lifekeys courses in our church.  They are a useful tool for discipleship and the promotiong of a practical spiritual engagement with real life.  From Good Man to Valiant Man has been written by Careforce’s Allan Meyer and is closely tied to the “Valiant Man” Lifekeys course which concentrates on the sexual discipleship of men. The sub-title of the book says it all: the aim of both course and book is to promote “Sexual integrity in a sex crazy world.”

The discipling of the sexual man is a topic gaining significant ground in recent times.  Driscoll’s Porn-Again Christian is an obvious example of someone unafraid to deal with issues surrounding sexuality and holiness and robustly calls men to responsibility. I also recently scanned through a Tim Challies ebook called Sexual Detox that covers very similar ground to Meyer albeit less thoroughly.  Tellingly, both Driscoll and Challies provide their material freely online where it can be of the best use.  Meyer doesn’t but that does not prevent his book from being a worthy contribution.

The framework of the book is, unsurprisingly, shaped around the Lifekeys course structure – inviting people to discover the blessing of recovery by entering the “arena of healing” (Page 38).  While the related exegesis of the beattitudes may be weak, the application of the “eight attitudes” of humility, emotional honesty, teachability, proactivity, forgiveness, pure motive, healing love, and courage is helpful. It means that the substantial topic can be approached from the point of view of a man as a man – not a man within distracting contexts of relationship fraught with the tendency to blameshift.

Meyer makes the framework specific in two ways.  Firstly, through a metaphor for masculinity which is, once again exegetically weak but practically useful.  This metaphor is the four faces of a man as an “ox” (provider), “lion” (protector), “eagle” (spiritual leader), and man (sexual, physical person).  The fundamental thrust is to promote masculinity as servant-heartedness and self-sacrifice – for instance the basis of headship in a marriage relationship is boiled down to “you die first.” (Page 23).

Secondly, and much more usefully, Meyer unpacks the physical, psychological and neurological aspects of masculine sexuality.  He describes the chemical mechanics of sexual development and physical attraction and makes the most valuable point of the entire book: “You renew your mind biologically not just spiritually” (Page 175).  This shows how the task of holiness and goodness is so clearly a masculine endeavour – earthy, practical, not a task relegated to the effeminately, ethereally spiritual.  Neural pathways built from years of fantasy, pornography and masturbation can be retrained and bypassed by those willing to walk that path.

Retraining the brain requires that you deliberately judge your thought patterns, build an off-ramp, and take your thoughts to godly places.” (Page 179)

This is a call to holiness in grace not shame – an exhortation, a championing for men to succeed in sexual purity and so find the blessing of right-living in themselves and the ones close to them.  It is helpful.

Other aspects are less robust.  The “ewe-lamb principle” (Page 146) which encourages a husband to consider their wife in terms of the 2 Samuel 12 parable of a “ewe-lamb” in need of their tender protection is not necessarily invalid, but it doesn’t avoid paternalism and doesn’t interact with the reality of diverse personalities.  How would a phlegmatic man married to a choleric wife apply this principle?  Our wives are not children in need of father, but women in need of a godly husband.

This book obviously derives from years of experience as a man and a pastor and from a wealth of research and pastoral care.  The content is practical and educational.  It will need to be unpacked for some – but that’s our job.  I will be using many of the principles in this book in my own discipleship and in the discipling of others.

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